No matter your circumstances, traditions can bolster connection during the holidays, especially if you consider these three tips.
Holiday cheer is powerful, but it doesn’t always put a pause on financial, academic, or emotional challenges.
“In today’s world, there’s a lot of chaos,” says David Dollahite, professor of family life. “People can feel isolated and lonely.”
However, Dollahite has a particular solution to overcome some of these indomitable challenges: traditions.
“When you have regular meaningful religious traditions, especially during the holidays, they can give this sense of depth and connection — of being a part of something more,” says Dollahite.
Dollahite and fellow Family Life Professor Loren Marks are directors of American Families of Faith, a national research project on how families are strengthened by faith. The project is based on research with over 300 families of different faiths, across a variety of ethnicities and cultures. Across the research, Dollahite consistently finds that traditions, particularly religious rituals and worship, bolster understanding of personal identities and family unity.
“A lot of research shows that rituals can really help folks during stressful times,” Dollahite says. "Whatever it is, it gives a sense of security and stability amidst change and stresses.”
Dollahite’s desire to understand the impact of religious rituals on families is driven by his own experiences with family, friends, and different faiths.
He first began investigating The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in his late teens. He came from a family that was not overly religious — the only faith-driven tradition they had was his Episcopal uncle praying over Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner each year.
When Dollahite began attending church it was in November of 1978, and he quickly noticed the difference it made to join with others in singing and reading scriptures. Now he’s done the research to understand that traditions, especially when driven by faith, bring a sense of unity, identity, and pride of legacy.
“It connects us to our faith community, to our ancestors, to people beyond our family, and back through time,” Dollahite says.
Dollahite offers a few research-backed tips on how to enjoy the cheer and connection in holiday traditions:
1. Focus on the doing, not on how well it’s done
A single dreidel game or gift exchange may not feel important enough to include when you lack time and energy from busy December schedules. There may even be a fear that the execution of the traditions will not live up to your vision of twinkling lights and gift giving.
“Holidays can be bittersweet,” Dollahite says. “There are all kinds of expectations, which can put a lot of pressure. It’s exhausting. Sometimes the rituals are lessened.”
But Dollahite continues to say it is not a picture-perfect holiday celebration that brings the family together. It is the act of doing the tradition itself.
“It’s less important what is done or how it’s done,” he says. “It’s more important that it is done.”
2. Family, food, and flexibility
Dollahite says that “the three Fs: faith, family, and food” are a universally applicable formula for nurturing connection in the holiday season.
For interfaith families, there may be extra challenges in celebrating religious holidays. Whether gathering with friends who believe different things or getting together with family members who have moved away from religion, Dollahite offers another formula.
“Love, flexibility, and honoring agency are the kind of things that can make a difference,” he says. Setting aside personal expectations and prioritizing love and faith is “the ticket to a positive holiday.”
Dollahite emphasizes that unity and love during holiday celebrations do not require sacrificing religious traditions. Instead, be flexible and realize that there might need to be some adaptations.
3. Include everyone with love
The formula for holiday happiness cannot include forcing or shaming, which can cause anger and hurt leading to the opposite effect. Dollahite says that “finding ways to balance what we in research call religious firmness and religious flexibility” takes communication and patience.
“Try to include everyone and honor everyone’s preference,” Dollahite says. Even if everyone is not driven by the same faith, traditions serve as a reminder for what the holidays are really about: loving each other.
If you’re looking for new traditions, check out our Light the World campaign on the BYU College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences Instagram account.
