When disagreements around the family table feel too contentious, focus on compassion instead of correctness.
The holidays come with a warm invitation to serve others and follow Christ’s example of loving your neighbor. However, political tensions—especially within families—can serve up a side of anxiety along with the comfort of mashed potatoes and gravy.
To stay true to the reason for the season, take some advice from political science professors at Brigham Young University on how to keep exchanges respectful without feeling like you need to compromise your beliefs.
Engaging and Disengaging
First, realize that family conversations are not a competition with winners and losers. It's important to recognize that when you are getting caught up in the emotion of a political debate so you can refocus and take a step back.
“Sometimes it is OK to just let things go, or to not pursue something in the moment,” a former BYU political science professor says.
But this does not mean you have to abandon your position or agree with what they say. Peace isn’t achieved by avoiding conflict. Instead, let go of proving someone or something wrong and simply listen to understand.
“It often takes some bravery to engage with our divisions and conflicts, and a lot of humility to stay true to ourselves while also helping other people feel respected, valued, and understood,” a former BYU political science professor says. “To me, that is the real work of peacemaking.”
Relationships, not Rightness
Celeste Beesley, professor of political science, believes that finding middle ground between two different opinions might be easier than anticipated.
Rather than prioritizing the importance of disagreements you have with family, friends, or strangers, focus on the values shared with them. Not everyone who opposes your opinion has a “desire for evil to win,” Beesley adds. More often than not, they just have different perspectives.
Beesley advises avoiding popular labels and invites everyone to have more compassion for one another.
"We all face difficulty in the bundles of political choices placed before us,” she says. "I cannot judge someone for prioritizing a different policy or platform issue and making a different choice than I do.”
Finding Common Ground
Civil conversation can only be achieved when coming from a place of love and respect, and Rebecca Dudley, professor of political science, suggests taking a step back to evaluate when you lose these traits. This can be more difficult when talking with family, because having close relationships can lead to stronger reactions when disagreements arise.
Dudley adds that whether the discussion is with family, friends, or foe, choose to step away from it if you can tell it’s headed south.
“Most of us are not able to very quickly identify specifically what is leading to our emotional outburst, so it takes a bit of time and reflection,” she says.
Yet she shared that the goal of political discussion should be to find common ground, not to dominate over the other side. If our conversations are turning away from respecting people who have different opinions—family or otherwise—then the best option is often to step away until you can return with a more reflective attitude.
“The healthiest thing for a productive political conversation in this country, and in all countries, is for both sides to be healthy and empowered. That’s what pushes us forward,” Dudley concludes.
Dialing Back
When caught up in the external pressure of current issues, political conversations can be become heated. Michael Barber, professor of political science and director of the Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy, says this is because it can feel like “the fate of American democracy hangs in balance.”
“The stakes are probably lower than you think,” Barber says. “It may be beneficial for you to dial back the intensity of your feelings on these issues.”
If not discouraged by political issues, then you may find yourself disheartened by the difficulty of contentious, political divisions. But Barber’s research in polarization and productivity of politics shows there is hope.
“I have a lot of research that shows people who are very strong, avid republicans and people who are very strong, avid democrats—there's actually a lot on which they agree,” Barber says. “Finding those areas of agreement can be really useful.”
Contrary to what we may convince ourselves of, all is not lost. Based on what these experts say, we are more than capable of having controversial conversations without hostility or anger. By prioritizing respect and love, and stepping back when emotions build, we can set aside disagreements for the sake of our relationships, especially around the dinner table this holiday season.
More mashed potatoes anyone? How about those Cougars?! To find more information about the political science department and other departments in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences, visit our website.
