What Every Couple Can Learn About Love and Respect from Interfaith Marriages
Through a string of social media posts, my nephew’s wife recently announced she was officially disaffiliating from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Concerned, I texted my nephew. No doubt he and his wife were navigating a difficult situation. I told him I had seen his wife’s posts, asked if everything was okay, and offered our family’s love and support.
His response was quick and upbeat. “Thank you for reaching out,” he texted. “We are doing great!” He said it had definitely been an adjustment, but he and his wife had turned the situation into an opportunity to become closer.
I was pleased with his hopeful response because the extraordinary challenges of being in an interfaith marriage are well documented by social scientists. Additionally, divorce rates for interfaith Latter-day Saint couples are a dramatic three times higher than for shared-faith Latter-day Saint couples at the five-year mark (40 percent and 13 percent, respectively), according to data from a 2009 study on religion and marital stability. Researchers note, “As scholars of marriage and parenting, a single factor that yields considerable increases in divorce is of profound concern.”
To explore how happily married interfaith couples have navigated religious differences, then–BYU students Hannah Shoaf (BA ’20, MS ’22) and Justin Hendricks (BS ’21, MS ’23) joined research assistant Sandra Gomez Ward (BS ’18); David Dollahite and Loren Marks, BYU professors and codirectors of the American Families of Faith Project; and Heather Kelley (BS ’16, MS ’18), a researcher at Utah State University. Their findings from qualitative research with 32 couples were subsequently published in Marriage and Family Review.4
“Even when interfaith marriages endure, they face pronounced challenges,” says Marks. “The purpose of our related work on interfaith marriage is not to champion difficult unions but to learn important lessons from exemplary interfaith couples who have successfully navigated this difficult terrain.” The researchers also recognize that the strategies identified are good advice for any marriage. “In some ways, every marriage is an interfaith marriage,” notes Dollahite. “Every marriage involves people with, to some degree, different religious backgrounds, experiences, expectations, ideas, hopes, and dreams. Thus, every marriage involves the importance of couples working together to build shared understanding as well as some degree of negotiation, compromise, and humility around religious issues.” Here are four key themes that emerged from the research.
SUPPORT EACH OTHER
Researchers cite the significance of spouses supporting each other in their faith. As one Jewish husband put it, having his agnostic wife actively participate in his faith was “a really important sign” for him. Another husband, whose wife had abandoned religion, recognized the importance of giving her the same emotional support he sought for himself. “Who was I to sit there and criticize my wife for following her heart when all I was doing was trying to follow mine?” he said.
FOCUS ON COMMON GROUND
The researchers’ findings highlight the benefit of focusing on shared beliefs and values. A formerly Latter-day Saint husband shared, “Even though the dynamic of the relationship has changed, none of the base values have.” Another study participant offered, “It makes the world a wonderful place if we can all work together and find common ground and accept each other for who we are.”
SEEK UNDERSTANDING
A Muslim man who married a Catholic woman felt they had avoided many potential obstacles because they so thoroughly discussed the nature of their interfaith relationship. “We talked a lot about it,” he said. “We probably left no stone unturned when we were going into this.” As couples seek to understand one another and their expectations, they not only grow in love and respect but are more prepared to work through challenges.
PRIORITIZE YOUR MARRIAGE
The research team found that particularly among Latter-day Saint couples who began with shared faith and then diverged, prioritizing their marriage became critical. “Yes, there are certain difficulties,” acknowledged a spouse in one such marriage. “But I think as long as you can . . . still put your family first [rather than yourself], you can still have a good and healthy family.” Dollahite points out that prioritizing your marriage does not necessitate subordinating God or personal faith. “If each spouse allows God to soften their heart, open their mind, and humble their spirit, then that can facilitate marital peace, harmony, and unity despite religious differences.”
